Look and Listen for the Good, and Compliment
I’ve learned to find it easy and enjoyable to identify something I genuinely like about any human, and genuinely express it to them.
Gracefully Accept a Compliment
“Thank you. It’s nice of you to say.”
Accept Their Bid & “Thanks for Sharing”
When someone shares information: Think of it as a bid. Whether you agree with what’s been said or not – accept their bid. I do this by saying, “Thanks for sharing.” Pause. Say nothing for a moment, allowing them to elaborate (or not).
Here’s what I find usually happens: The person will likely appreciate our listening, thanking and caring, but we may not hear their feedback in words. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. Also, the pause gives us time to be thoughtful.
When I focus on accepting their bid, my thinking at that moment is it’s for the greater good. I’m not stressed because nothing else matters at that moment. I’m simply listening to their story, just as I do when I watch a movie.
Listen to Learn
Never mind listening for errors, or differences of opinion.
Focus on understanding. Personally, I enjoy learning. My focus is on helping the person share. I’m not interested in gossip, so I deflect that and ask about the person’s experiences, opinions, and knowledge.
Understand Why
I don’t spend time second guessing or figuring what the person really means. Instead of guessing and gambling, I use conversation skills.
Second guessing can take my attention off the conversation. I ask to clarify; “What do you mean by …?”
“Just tell me what it is you want me to know/do.” “It would be helpful if you say what you want/you’re thinking.”
If you are the person being asked and you’re thinking out loud, say so. “I’m just thinking out loud.” Then the asker knows to await the outcome.
Indirect messages can be polite, but sometimes they can cause stress, and/or lead to mistakes and misunderstanding.
“Would you like to stop for a coffee?” could be another way of saying “I’d like to stop for a coffee, is that okay with you?” An indirect question which can mask true intent, can result in frustration for the person who must answer it, often leading to other questions, perhaps in their own mind: “I would like a coffee, but am I putting you out?” or “Or I don’t want coffee right now, but am happy to make a stop for you to get one for yourself.”
In my opinion, it’s too much over-thinking.
Best to eliminate any guesswork by stating your intent and asking the question directly. Keep it simple. Politely, calmly, and respectfully say/ask what you want. “ It would be helpful to me ….” “I would appreciate ….”
What is My Rush to Speak?
What is so important for me to say that I interrupt, don’t listen carefully, and deliberately turn the conversation to what I feel like saying? In conversation, that’s the equivalent of butting in line, being a selfie, a jerk, a tailgater. Conversation doesn’t have to be a competitive full-contact sport.
Can’t go wrong by being courteous and considerate. ✅
Share the Conversation Floor
It’s a good practice to be aware of how much of the time we are doing the speaking in general conversation.
Get Out of Serious Mode 🤡
I’m in my sixties and I go out for Halloween in a freekin scary mask. 🧟
While performing in-house sales training for a company in the steel industry, the wealthy owner spoke up and said: “Whenever someone gets grumpy with me, I ask “Who pissed in your corn flakes this morning?”
Command and Control 👮🏼♀️
May be effective and necessary if you’re working in crowd control with an air horn.📢
Also, if you're a police officer controlling traffic, or a criminal trying to make a name for yourself.
You may be the bossy type who demands: “I want a coffee, get off at the next exit.”
Command and control is an effective tactic to start a fight, become a bully, get your own way without agreement, damage valued relationships, lose a job, and be disliked. Which could very well be why many people use it (joking).
Some people think if they approach everyone with their tail-wagging, they could be perceived as soft and weak. To me, they are soft and weak if they can’t be genuinely relaxed and friendly with others, too afraid to be themselves and share about themselves. And/or focused on finding faults in others. Sadly, this self-esteem challenge is often a result of not having learned communication skills for certain situations. Such as effectively responding to and standing up to people who command and control. "I'm not here to live up to other people's values and expectations." It can be as simple as that.
Consider using: What I do to Start, Develop and Maintain a Good Conversation (above).
To Be What You Want, Create What You Want
If we want to be liked, respected, and valued, be likeable and respectful, and be alert to opportunities to create value for people.
I'll share my personal social experiment.
Nine years ago, I was running outside in the Streetsville neighborhood when a man deliberately stepped in front of me and began making belittling remarks. I went six inches to his face and stared at him. He didn't say or do anything more, so I let it go.
However, I calmed down and thought about it. That evening I made a decision to try something I would never imagine doing.
In the Streetsville neighborhood only (5 km radius), I would proactively be nice, friendly, and kind to every person. Regardless!
Coincidently, only days later, this same man made the mistake most of us have made. He backed out of his driveway and didn't see me on the sidewalk. Noticing that, I stopped and waited. When he turned and realized his error, I genuinely smiled and waved.
My wife and I walk a lot. We have been proactively nice, friendly, and kind to every person here for years. Wave to them all. Regardless. Our neighborhood word file includes hundreds of their names as well as their dog's name. People like us and we like them.
After four years, we extended this behavior to the gym. Several years later, we connect like this everywhere.
I've never shared my website. We simply connect to be friendly.
What I do to Start, Develop and Maintain a Good Conversation (above) works. Life seems better this way.
Final Tip: Ask people about their dog.
